Queen B, Your Humble Servant Reports a Problem

Like any good girl of the aughts, I love Beyonce.  I’ve loved her since she was in a matching crop-top and headband with the rest of Destiny’s Child.  I danced to “Say My Name” at parochial school dances in a sweaty gym.  Same goes for “Soldier,” so long as “parochial school” is replaced with “frat” and “gym” with “basement.”  I sang “Irreplaceable” after a break-up, and pretended it was he and not me who would suffer (to the left, to the left, everything you own in the box the left, such as the DVD I got you from the $5 bin as well as a Corona promo t-shirt I won at a bar, good luck livin’ without me now sucker!)  I jumped around in kick-boxing class to “Crazy in Love” and “Ring the Alarm.”  Thanks to her, everyone from Astoria to Peoria knows what “bootylicious” means and how such a quality can be properly exhibited in a “freakum dress.”

Really, your mom Tina designed those outfits? 
Hmm, I could’ve sworn they were classic Chanel.  

It seems largely acknowledged that Beyonce’s dominion was solidified with 2008’s dual-disc “I Am … Sasha Fierce.”  In an era when even the most popular artists struggle to sell physical copies of CDs, the album moved nearly half a million sales within the first week of release.  This set had it all, from bass-thumping assertions of self-worth (“Diva”) to reflective acoustic-driven tunes (“If I Was a Boy”).  Arguably the most universally beloved track was “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” 

Is "Fierce" your birth name?

The popularity of “Single Ladies” was furthered by Queen B’s iconic video.  Shot in black and white, she was flanked by only two dancers in a leotard, modern Mary Janes, and a friggin’ robot glove with a diamond ring!  Her dance moves were evocative of Doo-Wop, yet felt fresh – Rolling Stone called the video “exquisitely choreographed.”  The chorus dance was imitated by many, from the famous (Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg on Saturday Night Live) to the not-so-famous (it's a dancing baby).  Has anyone been to a dj-officiated wedding in the past two years and not danced to “Single Ladies”?  Even my dad got down to that jam - I caught him waving his cupped paw over by the shrimp cocktail.

A little-known critic dared to call it "one of the best videos of all time."

The content of her latest album “4” seems to be a departure from the heel-stomping jams in “Sasha Fierce.”  Listening to most songs on “4” is like tolerating a friend who won’t stop talking about her new boyfriend.  Anthemic statements from her last album, like “actin’ up, drink in my cup, I couldn’t care less what you think,” are replaced by treacly school-girl musings like “I don’t know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two, and it’s me and you” … seriously? 

Apparently she’s having a baby with some guy, Jay, Josh, Sully, I can’t remember his name.  Maybe her satisfaction has led her to shift her attitude from brazen to “bleh.”  One song on the album, “Run the World (Girls)” carries some of B’s earlier energy.  But a few words in one song are virtually erased by an album full of lines like “say you’ll never let me go!” and “I hope that I’m gonna die by you.”  Entertainment Weekly characterized the album as “a sleepy recital of ballads.”   

Dedicated readers already know my feelings on the video for “Best Thing I Never Had.”  (Delightfully nonsensical lyrics).  Again, congrats girl, you’re getting married, but you really don’t need to run up and down a field in a crown and two gowns to remind everyone!  This fall, she seemingly phoned in a quick video for “Love on Top.”  It looks like she and Mr. Z shoved the living room furniture into the hall of their loft apartment, yelled out the window “come upstairs if you can dance,” and set up a digital camera.  

They edited out the pile of magazines and blankets in the corner.

Beyonce supposedly paid homage to New Edition’s “If It Isn’t Love” in this video.  For those of you who aren’t fully versed in the history of New Edition, allow me to educate you that this video came out after headliner Bobby Brown checked out to pursue a solo career (and a drug habit).  The song peaked at number two on the charts, and couldn’t get into the number one spot as Bobby Brown was occupying that with “Don’t Be Cruel.”  Oh, but it was cruel Bobby, it really was!  The video isn’t exactly the hallmark of New Edition.  Homage should be paid to the epitome and trademark of an artist.  I don’t call it an “homage” to Anna Nicole Smith when I lay in bed in off-brand Juicy Couture sweats, suck a Klonopin cocktail and yell at the TV.  (Arguably, though, that’s largely because it already has a name – “Friday night”).  

Still from New Edition’s video.

 If you’re thinking “hey, the video isn’t so bad, it’s fun and she looks kinda cute in that military hat,” might I remind you that this bunk is from a woman who has set fire to a car in more than one videos ...  

               Bottom line - I need a soldier in here.  Where she at, where she at?