Queen B, Your Humble Servant Reports a Problem

Like any good girl of the aughts, I love Beyonce.  I’ve loved her since she was in a matching crop-top and headband with the rest of Destiny’s Child.  I danced to “Say My Name” at parochial school dances in a sweaty gym.  Same goes for “Soldier,” so long as “parochial school” is replaced with “frat” and “gym” with “basement.”  I sang “Irreplaceable” after a break-up, and pretended it was he and not me who would suffer (to the left, to the left, everything you own in the box the left, such as the DVD I got you from the $5 bin as well as a Corona promo t-shirt I won at a bar, good luck livin’ without me now sucker!)  I jumped around in kick-boxing class to “Crazy in Love” and “Ring the Alarm.”  Thanks to her, everyone from Astoria to Peoria knows what “bootylicious” means and how such a quality can be properly exhibited in a “freakum dress.”

Really, your mom Tina designed those outfits? 
Hmm, I could’ve sworn they were classic Chanel.  

It seems largely acknowledged that Beyonce’s dominion was solidified with 2008’s dual-disc “I Am … Sasha Fierce.”  In an era when even the most popular artists struggle to sell physical copies of CDs, the album moved nearly half a million sales within the first week of release.  This set had it all, from bass-thumping assertions of self-worth (“Diva”) to reflective acoustic-driven tunes (“If I Was a Boy”).  Arguably the most universally beloved track was “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” 

Is "Fierce" your birth name?

The popularity of “Single Ladies” was furthered by Queen B’s iconic video.  Shot in black and white, she was flanked by only two dancers in a leotard, modern Mary Janes, and a friggin’ robot glove with a diamond ring!  Her dance moves were evocative of Doo-Wop, yet felt fresh – Rolling Stone called the video “exquisitely choreographed.”  The chorus dance was imitated by many, from the famous (Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg on Saturday Night Live) to the not-so-famous (it's a dancing baby).  Has anyone been to a dj-officiated wedding in the past two years and not danced to “Single Ladies”?  Even my dad got down to that jam - I caught him waving his cupped paw over by the shrimp cocktail.

A little-known critic dared to call it "one of the best videos of all time."

The content of her latest album “4” seems to be a departure from the heel-stomping jams in “Sasha Fierce.”  Listening to most songs on “4” is like tolerating a friend who won’t stop talking about her new boyfriend.  Anthemic statements from her last album, like “actin’ up, drink in my cup, I couldn’t care less what you think,” are replaced by treacly school-girl musings like “I don’t know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two, and it’s me and you” … seriously? 

Apparently she’s having a baby with some guy, Jay, Josh, Sully, I can’t remember his name.  Maybe her satisfaction has led her to shift her attitude from brazen to “bleh.”  One song on the album, “Run the World (Girls)” carries some of B’s earlier energy.  But a few words in one song are virtually erased by an album full of lines like “say you’ll never let me go!” and “I hope that I’m gonna die by you.”  Entertainment Weekly characterized the album as “a sleepy recital of ballads.”   

Dedicated readers already know my feelings on the video for “Best Thing I Never Had.”  (Delightfully nonsensical lyrics).  Again, congrats girl, you’re getting married, but you really don’t need to run up and down a field in a crown and two gowns to remind everyone!  This fall, she seemingly phoned in a quick video for “Love on Top.”  It looks like she and Mr. Z shoved the living room furniture into the hall of their loft apartment, yelled out the window “come upstairs if you can dance,” and set up a digital camera.  

They edited out the pile of magazines and blankets in the corner.

Beyonce supposedly paid homage to New Edition’s “If It Isn’t Love” in this video.  For those of you who aren’t fully versed in the history of New Edition, allow me to educate you that this video came out after headliner Bobby Brown checked out to pursue a solo career (and a drug habit).  The song peaked at number two on the charts, and couldn’t get into the number one spot as Bobby Brown was occupying that with “Don’t Be Cruel.”  Oh, but it was cruel Bobby, it really was!  The video isn’t exactly the hallmark of New Edition.  Homage should be paid to the epitome and trademark of an artist.  I don’t call it an “homage” to Anna Nicole Smith when I lay in bed in off-brand Juicy Couture sweats, suck a Klonopin cocktail and yell at the TV.  (Arguably, though, that’s largely because it already has a name – “Friday night”).  

Still from New Edition’s video.

 If you’re thinking “hey, the video isn’t so bad, it’s fun and she looks kinda cute in that military hat,” might I remind you that this bunk is from a woman who has set fire to a car in more than one videos ...  

               Bottom line - I need a soldier in here.  Where she at, where she at? 

I've been, like, really busy

Dedicated readers (hi Mom and cat!), 

Please accept my heartfelt apologies for the many moons that have passed between today and my most recent entry.  I’ve been quite busy at law school, you know.  My studies require dedication to a vicious cycle; open textbook, watch Toddlers & Tiaras, read opening lines of assigned case, paint nails*, consult syllabus, order conical styling wand, complete first assigned case, panic, stay up until 3 am to read remaining cases, cry, draft notes on cases, watch Youtube video of British girls who can rap “Super Bass,” fall asleep with laptop in bed.  It isn’t easy, but I’ve grown accustomed to this schedule.  I hope that this next entry will refresh your enthusiasm. 

* I recommend Sally Hansen Salon Effects Real Nail Polish Strips, but I don't recommend the "Kitty, Kitty" design for a day wedding. 

Will You Go Out With Me?

One girl’s list of the hottest Hollywood boyfriends

Gold medal winner … Jordan Catalano – My So-Called Life

Boyfriend of:  Angela Chase, and had a brief dalliance with Rayanne Graff.  Related, while I understand that Angela was exhibiting rebellion by ditching Krakow and Sharon for Rayanne, couldn’t she have found someone in between the cheerleader and the mentally unstable, purple-haired school alcoholic? Maybe a girl with a nose ring who listened to Nine Inch Nails but didn’t sleep with her boyfriend or overdose in the tenth grade?

Profile:  Popular with classic bad-boy appeal, Jordan had dreamy eyes, a guitar, and a first-grade reading level.  He wooed Angela with his band “The Frozen Embryos” and such illustrious observations as “ya know, like, school just sucks.”  But who needs to be able to spell “cat” with a head of hair like that?  Any girl of the ‘90s would trade their soul for but a mere swatch of his shearling jacket.  I took every chance I could get to soak up his brooding good looks when I was with a babysitter who I convinced that it was okay, yes, my mom definitely let me watch MTV all the time.

Key scene:  After being inspired by a Shakespearean sonnet in English class, Jordan ditched his coterie of cool guys in the hall, asked Angela “can we go somewhere?” and held her hand in front of the whole sophomore and junior classes.  Swoon!

Silver goes to … Aidan Shaw – Sex & the City

Boyfriend of:  Carrie Bradshaw, until she fessed up to an affair moments before Charlotte’s wedding, and then again until she dumped him at the Columbus Circle fountain.  For the four of you out there who saw Sex & the City 2, you’ll remember that in between the cultural stereotyping and label whoring, Carrie bumped into Aidan again, until she realized she truly did prefer Mr. Big and the suit he’d been wearing since 1998. 

Profile: A masculine but warm furniture designer, he clearly hustled a lot of armchairs and end-tables to buy the apartment next to Carrie’s and keep a truck in Manhattan.  In their first go-round, he sported long hair, turquoise jewelry, and a generous gut.  He committed so-called “tender” acts, like drawing a bath for Carrie on one of their first dates, and then diving in with her.  I prefer to classify such an event as “revolting”.  For their second attempt at love, he cut his hair and his beer belly but still retained his romantic inclinations.  His patience knew no boundaries.  He let her hate on his dog Pete, hang out with Mr. Big post-affair, and say things like “I like my money right where I can see it, hanging in my closet”, all without ever punching her, not even once!  He probably feigned his agony when they broke up as he was likely relived to be finally free from her puns about shoes and purses.  I wonder if there was a deleted scene in which he pulled away from her apartment and screamed, “by the way, you look insane in that outfit!”

Key scene:  After an awkward reunion at Tortilla Flats (which is never an awkward place because they dump a hearty dose of hallucinogens in their margarita pitchers.  I would know – I’ve hula hooped, played trivia and bingo, and facilitated the sale of a college sweatshirt for $250 at this fine establishment), Carrie begged Aidan to reconcile.  He initially rebuffed her, only to later throw pebbles at her window in this dreamy sequence.  (Skip to the 6:18 mark for the good stuff.)

Taking home the bronze … Daniel Cleaver – Bridget Jones’ Diary and Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Boyfriend of:  Bridget Jones, the “American stick insect” with whom he cheated on our dear Bridge, a Thai prostitute, and Mark Darcy’s wife.

Profile:  An effortlessly handsome and floppy-haired cad, Daniel scooped up Bridget while he served as her boss at a publishing company.  He first charmed Bridget with a smirk as she bumbled her introduction of Fitzherbert’s “Kafka’s Motorbike” and afterwards, kept her wine glass full all the way back to her apartment.  He dragged her and her silly-little-black-skirt around London and then Thailand with his philandering ways.  Although morally bankrupt and bereft of any redeeming qualities save for his ability to run his hands through his hair, he was … ahh, screw it, he was a jerk but he was hot!  Apologies to the Mahk Dah-cy fans, but Daniel Cleav-ah mops the floor with Mark’s reindeer jumper in this series.  (Personal note:  discuss this preference with therapist at next appointment, as mirrors actual self-destructive choices in relationships.)  

Key scene:  Daniel takes Bridget on holiday to the countryside, and the two hop in a rowboat.  They encounter dweeby little Darcy and his colleague, and my man mocks their wholesome good time.  A bloke has never looked better than Daniel in his aviators with a cigg hanging out of mouth.  This, of course, all before Bridget returns to London before Daniel and discovers Lara-from-the-New-York office in his apartment.  So, really, he didn’t actually do anything great but he did look great while doing it.  (I really need to bump up that appointment).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKtTpevD_hs&feature=related

Honorable mentions for …

Jake Ryan – 16 Candles

Steve They-Never-Used-His-Last-Name – Full House

Dylan McKay – 90210

Seth Cohen – The OC

Sam – Clarissa Explains it All

Josh Lucas – Clueless

Random Inspirational Quote

"Love, like a beautiful song, echoes on in the heart when the last note is silent."

Almost Friday ... party like a hockey star

Breakdown of the bill at the Bruins' post-Stanley Cup celebration at Foxwoods Casino. 

All this damage was done in only 4 hours! Next time I hit up Foxwoods I will have to keep in mind that after 30 bottles of regularly-priced champagne and 1 $100k bottle of champagne, you get a free one! That's practically giving the stuff away.  I'm also curious as to who ordered the 1 glass of Cognac. 

Have a great weekend and make like the Bruins in following up all your cocktails with a bottle of Fiji water. Keeps the skin dewey like Tim Thomas' and the hangovers at bay.

Random Video Clip - Christmas in July

John Malkovich reads "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" to SNL staff children (click me!)

"If any of you guys are in the mood for a treat, here's a bowl of Hall's Mentholyptus drops. No? Suit yourselves.  Can I say, when I was a child, we used to suck on pennies, you know, and it was a delight."

The First Robyn of Spring

For us insular American girls born between 1975 and 1990, we likely know Robyn primarily as the voice of such late-90s pop delights as "Show Me Love" and "Do You Know (What It Takes)?".  (Were any of you lucky enough to catch her at the Kiss 108 Jingle Ball in 1998 at the Tsongas Center? If so, perhaps you could provide some guest commentary in regards to her performance, as I was not permitted to attend ... thanks MOM!)  And then, we foolhardily assumed that Robyn just popped back on the scene last summer with her smash "Dancing On My Own".  But while we were busy clamoring for freedom fries, she had been extending her prowess beyond these limited tunes.  She's maintained popularity in Europe, well before and after her initial success in the United States.  All while sporting an intentionally misspelled name and avoiding a white-trash vibe!

Born in Stockholm in 1979, Robyn wrote her first song at age eleven about her parents' divorce, and soon performed her own music on a Swedish television show when she was only twelve years old.  She later recorded her first album with a label at age sixteen.  Throughout conflicts with management and labels, she still turned out hits and in the words of Rolling Stone, "eschewed a career as the Scandinavian Jessica Simpson on her way to becoming Sweden's Gwen Stefani".  (Not that there's anything wrong with my girl J. Simp. - her patent leather round-toe pumps and 4 inch espadrilles are tah-die-foah.)  Robyn's been making her mark on international pop culture in recent years, releasing 5 albums with major record labels since 1995, performing on Madonna's "Sticky & Sweet" tour, singing backup vocals for Brit-Brit on "Piece of Me" in 2007, and appearing on Gossip Girl.  She's not without integrity though; she pulled out of a gig opening for the Backstreet Boys on tour in 1997.  At least one report says Robyn found it "frustrating for me to be a teen star", while others say that she took medical leave for exhaustion.  I like to think that the first lady of electro-pop couldn't listen to one more rendition of "Quit Playin' Games With My Heart" so she stormed out, calling them all sissies and yelling at Nick Carter for stealing her special John Frieda Sheer Blonde shampoo.

Wouldn't you find these fellas both frustrating and exhausting?

My favorite song from Robyn is "Who's That Girl?"  The lyrics are just perfect - "good girls are happy and satisfied, I won't stop asking until I die, no, I just can't deal with the rules."  It's a classic feel-good female empowerment tune with a little twist.  Robyn asks us ladies to challenge the rules of beauty, to question the gender roles in a relationship, and to never settle.  All while making us dance!

"Who's That Girl?"

Should you ever find yourself on the bad end of a breakup and overcome with the desire to wallow in self-pity, "With Every Heartbeat" is a good soundtrack for your misery.  Not that I've ever been dumped, but one of my friends was once, and I found this song for her and played it for her ... on repeat ... for three days.  Robyn, thanks for helping out my friend! 

"With Every Heartbeat"

Now pry that pint of Ben & Jerry's outta your hand and hit "replay" on "Who's That Girl?"!